#1 Writing tip: Passive vs. active voice

Ann Videan at Souvia Tea

Passive:
For her Coffee CommuniTea (CCT) blog, Ann had visited the Souvia Tea Shop and had found this perfect tea-shirt.
Active:
Ann explored the Souvia Tea Shop for her Coffee CommuniTea blog and discovered this perfect tea-shirt.
(Visit Ann’s CCT watering hole reviews at https://anvidean.com/coffee-communitea/.)

My main pet peeve when editing involves the overuse of passive voice. I don’t mean past tense, where you’re describing things that happened before. But passive voice, which uses far too many “to be” verbs and far too few active verbs.

Passive verbs = is leaping, are creating, have experienced, was learning, were thinking, have been choosing.

Active verbs = leaps, create, experienced, learned, thought, chose.

Your goal? Communicate your message in the most compelling, concise manner to intrigue customers and get them talking, right? Here’s how…

Your message jumps off the page when you use active voice. Plus, you shorten the length of your writing by one-third. (This most valuable tip takes into consideration the on-screen scanning that people – myself included – use as an excuse  for reading these days.)

Active voice takes  practice, but simply watch for “to be” verbs followed by words ending in “-ed” or “-ing” and replace them with active verbs. Example:
Passive: The voice was mesmerizing to the student.
Active: The voice mesmerized the student.

Also, try to start your sentences with the subject and use an active verb to describe what the subject does. Example:
Passive: The young girl was overwhelmed by the depths of the woman’s presence.
Active: The woman’s deep presence overwhelmed the young girl.

Employ these two tips alone and just watch your writing become much more effective!

Tell me about your main editing pet peeve.

How to enter the Fae realm

Excerpted from Song of the Ocarina
© 2014 Ann Narcisian Videan

The Fae in “Song of the Ocarina” are nothing like this typical rendition (so beautifully crafted by Mark Pate). Instead, they follow the original mythology with very tall, magical beings without wings.

“Lean back against this tree and repeat the tune I play.” Noel hummed a short haunting melody.

Lark listened carefully, and memorized the melody as he played it the first time through.

“Now, this time, listen carefully to the musical tones and how they tie into the environment.” She didn’t really know what he meant, but concentrated on the way the notes sounded as they interacted with the various natural surfaces around them. As he hummed and she listened, the sounds stopped resisting against the surface of the grass and tree trunks and started seeping through the foliage, becoming at one with it. How odd.

“Now you try. Play it.” He nodded at the flute. She played the melody through once, perfectly. A proud expression bloomed across his face. “OK, now lean against the tree and repeat it several times while focusing again on the tones fitting in around us.”

As she played, she noticed the trees, grass, and flowers around her shimmering with what looked like heat waves. A tiny grey kiwi and a very black opossum snuck out from under cover and listened, noses quivering in the shady space. The music melded with the surrounding foliage and a magical, harmonious drone started as if from nowhere. As it emanated from the plants around her, rising and falling with the phrasing in her tune, everything began to glow with a faint luminescence.

Noel studied her as she played, one hand leaning against the tree. Pinions of iridescent light spread outward from his shoulders, spreading up and out behind him. At the sight, she let the flute’s last note fade. She studied the energetic aura growing denser behind his back as it flowed together. The force took the shape of wings, but did not create actual appendages.

Distracted by light moving all around her, she scanned the area slowly. Everything remained in its place, but the park somehow transformed into something new. Colors enriched, enhanced by a shimmer of energy. A quiet, melodic white noise hummed underneath the sound of the lake water slapping on the shore and the birdsong high in the trees.

Noel stood motionless, his head tilted back, and took several deep breaths. His energy-field wings moved in sync with his breaths. After a long moment, he grinned down at Lark. “Home.”

“Home?” She glanced around at the familiar, but strangely new, surroundings. With her flute still in one hand, she moved a few steps away to finger a velvety leaf on a fern. When she moved, the startled kiwi and furry opossum scurried to hide under a bush across the way. She glanced back at Noel and caught an energy field hugging her back just like his. She spun quickly to see what was behind her, but the aura moved with her. She reached back to try to touch the “wings,” but her hand met nothing. An unknown weight dropped in her stomach. “Noel… what’s happening?”

“Don’t worry, Alouette,” he whispered. “This is where we’re going to find your family.”

“It’s still Queenstown, but it’s not.” She peeked around, otherwise motionless.

“That’s right. It’s Queens’tyn, your home.”

“And my home would be…”

“Delfaerune.”

She furrowed her brow. “As opposed to Earth?”

He laughed. “No, we haven’t left Earth. The ‘Plana Via’ spell you just cast simply brought you to a different plane of consciousness.”

Lark’s eyes widened. “Spell… Plane of…” Like in fantasy books?

Noel simply nodded.

Lark’s head spun. She placed two fingers on her temple. What was happening? Was she dreaming?

“But how did we get here exactly?”

“You used karakia to move us.”

“Karakia?”

“What humans call good magic, but not exactly like wizards’ and sorcerers’. We use the energy of all life to manipulate our surroundings.”

Several points of light suddenly appeared under the bush occupied by the kiwi and opossum, and she took a sharp intake of breath. Two of the twinkling glow-points advanced toward Noel. Her eyes widened as they transformed from small dots of light into very tall, luminous beings; humanesque, but other-worldly.

One evolved into a strikingly beautiful woman with a thick braid of jet-black hair. Leather armor, laced with green tooled leaves, graced her lithe form. She clicked a quarterstaff into a mechanical holder at her waist as she rapidly glided, rather than walked, toward Noel.

“You’re back!” she cried.

Meet Phoenix-area authors Sat., Dec. 10

Have you ever wanted to just sit down with an author and ask some questions about his or her book, the writing process, or how in the world s/he came up with that character or plot point? Your chance is coming up from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Sat., Dec. 10,  at Dog-Eared Pages Used Books in Phoenix. A handful of local authors, including “yours truly,” will be on hand to answer questions, sign one of our books for you, or just shoot the breeze about writing and reading.

Simply show up at Dog-Eared Pages – 16428 N. 32nd Street, Suite 111, in Phoenix, AZ  85032 – any time throughout the day and get in on the action. I’ll be there from 10 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.

Scheduled authors:

  • Ed and Les Brierfield – short stories and novels blurring the lines between mystery, sci-fi and paranormal
  • Barbara Cole – historical nonfiction
  • Nancy GoodreauThe Silly Family [if you know the genre, please comment below]
  • Jack Hawn – memoir
  • Bella ThayerThe Silly Family
  • Kris Tualla – historical romance
  • Ann Narcisian Videan – contemporary women’s fiction

Consider… if you are looking for a unique, local gift, it’s a perfect season to think about my Rhythms & Muse novel and original music CD since I’m donating 10% of December proceeds to ICAN youth programs in Chandler, AZ.  A book and music by a local author, available at a local indie bookstore and benefiting a local charity. What’s not to love?!

Find more information at info@DogEaredPagesUsedBooks.com or 602-283-5423.

See you there to talk writing, big time!
– Ann

Your ideas can influence my faerie novel: Lark’s Tale

What are your initial reactions to these ideas for the first book in my young-adult faerie trilogy? Your comments will help shape Lark’s Tale! (working title)

Image by Mark Pate (www.markpate.com).

Story highlights:

  • A tale about Lark, a lanky, white-haired, 17-year-old musical prodigy in Queenstown, New Zealand who finds out she’s actually a faerie.
  • Her unlikely mentor Noel (pronounced “knoll”) is a 6’7″!, blue-eyed, 18-year-old, dark-faerie-turned-noble sheep shearer.
  • My faeries are of the ancient Celtic tradition: extremely tall and willowy, no wings, shape shifters using glamour (faerie magic).
  • Music links the human and faerie (Delfaerune) realms, which exist simultaneously on different planar levels.
  • Lark – daughter of the Minister of Glamour, who has been captured by the dark faeries as part of their plot to take over the human world – must use her musical prowess to save the human world and free her family.

Burger phenom: Hudson’s Hamburgers

Bob, Codi and Cutter help occupy the 23 counter stools available at Hudson’s. ©2011 ANVidean

One special Coeur d’Alene memory I somehow neglected to work into my Rhythms & Muse novel (half of the story takes place in the Idaho town) is Hudson’s Hamburgers. The joint is known worldwide for serving up – for the past 100 years! – a limited menu of simple, fresh, delectable burgers in a storefront on Sherman Ave., the town’s short main street!

I happened to grow up right next door to the Hudson family in the Fairway Hills neighborhood. Patriarch Roger was the fry cook in my day, but his sons Steve and Todd were in training on weekends. Now, they run the place.

I have very fond memories of conversations with the Hudson boys while sitting at their counter. How many times I watched them form my burger, grill it up on that savory grill, slap on the cheese, rapidly slice up thin slices of onion and pickle to place on the grill-toasted bun. The best part about a Huddy burger is the hot mustard and/or special sauce you squirt on yourself once the server plops your small plate in front of you. My mouth is watering right now, just thinking about the juicy goodness of that first bite.

It’s not a true trip to Coeur d’Alene without standing in line at least one, or two, or three times, at Hudson’s to enjoy a perfect “cheese, both” (i.e. cheeseburger with both onion and pickle). If you’re ever there in Cd’A, do not miss it. Any wait is totally worth it!

Check out this a great little historical PBS video about the local institution,  providing a number of fun facts, plus interviews with Roger and Todd.

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Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD:

Dare! Find a small-town main street offering more than Coeur d’Alene’s.

While my family visited Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, we spent quite a it of time in Downtown Coeur d’Alene, the lively little town which sets the scene for more than half of my Rhythms & Muse novel.

In addition to its most beautiful City Beach at the west end of downtown, Cd’A’s seven-block main street, aka Sherman Ave., offers a plethora of great experiences:

  • Hudson’s Hamburgers, with it’s 100-year legacy, is a destination for the most delicious, juicy burgers worldwide!
    (I very much regret I couldn’t find a good way to include Hudson’s iin Rhythms & Muse. Those burgers are one of my favorite reasons for visiting Cd’A. A point of interest: the Hudson family, including current proprietors Steve and Todd, lived next to my family in Fairway Hills the entire time I lived up there.)
  • Calypsos Coffee & Creamery, a great coffee venue right off Sherman on Lakeside Ave., where I held my book signing.
  • A number of charming retail shops, including:

    Looking west down Sherman Ave. from 5th St.(?) ©2011 ANVidean

    • Gallery Northwest, filled with lovely unique artwork crafted by local artists
    • Summers Glass gorgeous dichroic glass jewelry and art, beads, and more
    • Possibilities wine and gift-basket shop
    • Coeur d’Alene Chocolates, a family-owned shop with the most beautifully delicious treats I’ve ever seen.

      The sandy City Beach at the west end of Sherman Ave. offers a pristine view of the towering Coeur d’Alene Resort, and Tubbs Hill. ©2011 ANVidean

  • The Coeur d’Alene Resort, a lovely destination towering over the north end of Lake Cd’A right at the foot of downtown, with a  marina and one of the largest boardwalks in the world. It’s connected via skywalk to an indoor shopping mall featuring mid-to-high-end restaurants and shops.

I’ll be doing future posts to provide additional details on some of these distinctive hot spots, so watch the blog.

Do you have a Cd’A story or photo to share? Comment below, or send your .jpg image to me at avidean@videanunlimited.com and I’ll post it in the future.

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Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD:

One of America’s most beautiful downtown beaches

My family just returned from a too-short visit to the beautiful northwest. We hung out in Spokane, WA, and Coeur d’Alene, ID, for a week… seeing friends, tracking down old haunts, and visiting places and activities mentioned in my Rhythms & Muse novel.

Lake Coeur d’Alene    ©2011 ANVidean

One lazy afternoon, we strolled the Centennial Trail through the City Park, soaking in sights like this one. But what’s so uber cool about this…? Downtown Coeur d’Alene is just about two blocks to the east of this scene.

Can you see why lovely Lake Cd’A certainly served as high inspiration for a major portion of my novel? Who wouldn’t want to spend time near this blue water?

Do you have a Cd’A story or photo to share? Comment below, or send your .jpg image to me at avidean@videanunlimited.com and I’ll post it in a future blog.

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Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD:

Spokane Trivia from Rhythms & Muse

The Spokane River ©2007 ANVidean

I held a Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD signing at Calypsos Coffee & Roastery, 116 E. Lakeside Ave. in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, from 4–7 p.m., Tuesday, Aug. 2, 2011.

Beforehand, I visited the coffee house, checking the place out, drinking a delicious tropical green iced tea, and posting this trivia blog about Spokane, Wash.

A number of events in my novel take place in 1970s Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Spokane, Wash. If you know the area, or just want to learn some interesting facts about it, check out these questions and see how many answers you can guess?

Spokane Trivia Questions

22. What’s the name of the river on which the Cedar’s Restaurant floats?

23. The novel characters have dinner to escape the pressures of early fame at an oddly named restaurant specializing in Olde English fare and overlooking the Spokane River Falls. What is it called?

24. The former name of today’s INB Performing Arts Center where heroine Alexandra Lauren and her musical peers perform a benefit show for children’s music programs?

25. The name of the central city park, now the legacy of the 1974 World’s Fair in Spokane, Wash.

26. The bridge the main characters stand on, almost directly over the Spokane River Falls, connects to what island? For bonus points, what was the island named before the World’s Fair?

27. What three major landmarks in Riverfront Park can be viewed by the characters Alex and Matt while discussing their future together on the bridge?

28. What type of fish migration created one of the Spokane River’s true natural glories before Washington Water Power moved in to harness the river’s power?

Answers in comments below.

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You can find these, plus more Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Spokane, Wash., references in my Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD:

Coeur d’Alene Trivia from Rhythms & Muse, part 3

We’re nearing the date of my Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD signing at Calypsos Coffee & Creamery, 116 E. Lakeside Ave. in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. (4–7 p.m., Tuesday, Aug. 2, 2011). Excited! I’m so looking forward to seeing plenty of my friends there…including you?

Just for fun, these trivia questions are based on places and activities in Cd’A, and Spokane, Wash., especially during the 1970s. All the items are mentioned in the book. Do you know the area? How many answers can you get correct?

Cd’A Trivia Questions, part 3

15. What’s the name of the marina surrounded by one of the world’s longest floating boardwalks and with easy access from The Coeur d’Alene Resort?

16. How wide and long is the Coeur d’Alene Boardwalk?

17. When did the Cd’A Resort open?

18. Although the Lake City is now northern Idaho’s center for healthcare, educational, media, manufacturing, retail and recreation, the three main industries in the mid-1900s were…

19. Are there really cougars near Cd’A Lake?

20. Fireworks are set off over Cd’A Lake from a barge. Is the rumor that the barge catches on fire every year actually true?

21. What 23-mile-long improved path stretches in either direction from the City Park?

Answers in comments below.

See Spokane Trivia.

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You can find these and more Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Spokane, Wash., references in my Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD:

Coeur d’Alene Trivia from Rhythms & Muse, part 2

The back cover of Rhythms & Muse features a Lake Cd’A photo taken by the author. ©2005 ANVidean

A significant portion of my Rhythms & Muse women’s fiction novel takes place in 1970s Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Spokane Wash., so it seemed natural to create a trivia blog entry or two about some of the places and activities mentioned in the book. Do you know the area? How many answers can you get correct?

Cd’A Trivia Questions, part 2

8. THE 1970s local hangout after ball games and music concerts was a wooden structure with tall slanted windows, just around the corner from downtown Coeur d’Alene. Do you recall its name?

9. The sledding scene in the novel was inspired by a favorite hill just up from where the author used to live off the Cd’A public golf course. What’s the name of this neighborhood?

10. Student musicians would travel to this city, home of the University of Idaho, to compete in “State” where judges rated their talent/skills.

11. You’ll probably need to have been friends with the author to know this one, but what color and make was the family car Ann drove during high school?

12. What is the name of the 17-acre public park named located just west of downtown Cd’A?

13. You can go for a 2.2 mile hike right from downtown Coeur d’Alene in a 164-acre urban wilderness area. Named for a German immigrant who was Coeur d’Alene’s first Justice of the Peace, this area is called…?

14. Hundreds of bird species are found in Northern Idaho, including majestic bald eagles. What other bird-of-prey, known for building nests on top of lake pilings, is prevalent in Cd’A?

Answers in comments below.

More Cd’A trivia (part 3).

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You can find these and more Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Spokane, Wash., references in my Rhythms & Muse novel and music CD: